Review - The Notebook

This a review I did back in 2004 after seeing a Seattle Film Festival Screening. I submitted this to AintItCoolNews.com but they didn't want it.

Anyway, here it is, hopefully it makes you giggle. Or bitter. Either one is really acceptable.
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Last night I had the grievous misfortune of watching The Notebook for the opening of the Seattle Film Fest. Before I get to the review, let me first give you some background so as to provide perspective. I love film and I am a member of Cinema Seattle, the non-profit group that puts together the awesome feat that is the Seattle Film Fest. I am attending 13 shows of the Film Fest, with the shows I am really jazzed about seing Criminal, Garden State, Stander, Love me if you Dare and Infernal Affairs II (but not III!!). In short, 90% of the movies I see I like, and 20% or so I love and rave about. This year my favorite films are Miracle and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Last year I was fortunate enough to see awesome flicks like Spellbound and Whale Rider (with the cast in attendance) at the festival.

Anyway, I hope that gives me some credibility in that
1. I love going to movies and
2. In general, I like most movies. Now onto the review.

The worst movie I have ever seen up until last evening was Daylight with Sly Stallone. Hey, I'm a Rocky and Rambo guy, but Daylight made me twitch it was so bad (I hate to keep qualifying statements about things I dislike, but I just want to get across that I WANTED to like The Notebook which made its horrendous execution all the more horrific). However, last night The Notebook was not only the worst movie I have ever seen, but simply the worst form of entertainment, including books, comics, TV, and movies that I've ever witnessed. It was introduced by its screenwriter, Jeremy Leven. Mr. Leven was eloquent and charming and it seemed like we might be in for a treat. Prior to him, the Mayor of Seattle spoke, as well as the obligatory thanking of the numerous sponsors.

Then the movie started. The first 90 seconds of the film start well. It's a pretty scene of a man rowing at dusk, birds fly around him, a woman watches from a window. It's nice, and 90 seconds in you are feeling swell. And then the rest happens. I don't even know where to start with my critique... essentially an old woman is being cared for by a nurse, and a gentleman comes in to read to her. He's reading her a story. It's a great love story we're told, and we are taken back to the past to watch it all unfold. Essentially, a poor kid from the wrong side of the tracks (Noah) falls in love with an upper crust dame (Allie). Ryan Gosling plays the poor fellow, working at the lumber mill, down on his luck, but still with a flare for the dramatic. Within 4 minutes he:

1. Pulls off a zany stunt to get Allie (Rachel Mcadams) to agree to a date with him. 2. She then changes her mind and tells him to try again.
3. He does, and they date.
4. They are madly in love.
5. They fight and they challenge each other, but still, madly in love.

I'm not sure how to do this sequence justice because it's kind of like you meeting someone for a new job and them copping a feel during your orientation. You're just bewildered, and you don't know how to react. Hey, the voice-overs tell you they are in love, so dammit, they ARE! Anyway, two factors you should know about them and their love,

1. They are star crossed, silly!
2. He helps her to take chances, and she shows him she's a sure thing. Or some other such nonsense.

Cut back to the gentleman reading to the old woman. She wants to know if they are in love. Of course they are, didn't you hear the voice-overs?? But gosh, aren't they going to have problems because she's rich and he's poor? Stay tuned! The summer goes on and they are INSEPERABLE! It's true, in the montage we see of 7 quick snippets, they are ALWAYS together. And yet, still challengin' each other. But bad news is on the horizon friends, the summer is coming to an end, and she is off to college, and he works in a lumber yard! Dios Mio! It all comes to a head when the parents of Allie are introduced. Her mom is played by Joan Allen as a Cruella Deville type. Her father has a mustache! That's his main feature in the story. That he has a big mustache. Oh wait, there is one more thing about him, and I confirmed this with 3 separate viewers, ahem, he seems to be attracted to his daughter, Allie. You read that correctly. I'm not sure what type of notes he was receiving during filming, but I can only imagine they read "bigger mustache & more incest!” Anyway the parents learn that Noah only makes 40 cents a day at the lumber mill. They also drop the bomb that Allie is headed away to Sarah Lawrence College in New York!! Egads!!

Fast forward to that night, when they decide they should probably do it, because the summer is ending. They meet in an old abandoned mansion, and Noah shares how one day he'll buy it and fix it up. Allie tells him how she wants the house, and Noah says he's on it. I wonder if that will come into play? On to the loving! Even that is handled poorly, although I think I got a laugh when Allie ruined the moment with her incoherent jabbering. But as they are trying to consummate their unholy love a cliché storm has been a' brewing! The cops are looking for them. Cruella Mommy has called in the fuzz! They rush back to the house so dad can leer at his daughter. Cruella has a stern talking to with daughter. She's not to see him again! He's TRASH! Luckily, Noah is in the next room and hears this and is suitably offended. He may be trash, but he's not deaf. He's making an exit to his truck (presumably to call his agent) and Allie chases after him. They almost make up with their incredible love, but then, sigh; they challenge each other, get in a fight, and swear they are broken up. He roars away in the night. The next morning Cruella Mom is moving them to NYC!! "But wait Mom, I love him!" "To bad hon, your dad wants you all to himself." A mad dash to the lumber yard ensues, but Noah isn't there. Allie leaves a message with Noah's friend who has had 3 lines of dialogue in the movie. Allie is sped away to NYC, leaving Noah behind to get the message from the friend. In the next 8 minutes of film the following things happen, and I'm going list mode because that's how the film treats them.

1. Noah writes Allie EVERY DAY for a year straight.
2. Cruella intercepts the mail EVERY DAY for a year straight. You got it, Allie doesn't check the mail all year long. Ever.
3. Noah is so sad about Allie never writing back. Sigh. He decides to join the army with the three line dialogue friend.
4. They have some good times in the next 2 years. They are in Patton's army. They fight in WWII.
5. The friend DIES.
6. Noah goes home, and his poppa has essentially sold everything and bought Noah his dream fixer upper mansion.
7. Allie becomes a nurse in her spare time from college and meets a young GI who reminds her a little of Noah.
8. Allie and the GI get engaged.
9. Noah sees Allie from a bus (where? No idea) He chases after her, only to see her in the arms of her fiancee.
10. Noah is sad, really starts working hard on the house.
11. The fixed up house becomes big news. A reporter comes and takes a picture.
12. While trying on her wedding dress, Allie sees the paper, sees Noah, collapses.

Evidently the story of Noah and his house has made it to NY from wherever Noah is, although wherever he is has always been too far for either of them to travel to.

This sets up the dramatic conclusion. Almost at the end of the movie we learn that seven years passed in between Allie getting whisked away and Noah's newspaper fame. Seven years in which two people who loved each other so much (and in so challenging a manner) weren't able to actually get it together to at least seek out their unrequited love. Ok, sure, whatever. Allie sees the picture and goes to seek out Noah. They enjoy each others company. Cut back to the old lady and the old man, hmmm.. do you think they could actually be Noah and Allie? Nah... couldn't be. But if they are Allie has dementia and doesn't remember anything about their amazing love. The doctors tell Noah (or the guy who MIGHT be Noah if you've ever seen a movie before) there is no hope for her, give up. Noah knows better. Science be damned is his stance. He's going to bring his Allie, or the gal who MIGHT be Allie (got to keep up the tension) back from the brink.

Cut back to the past, Allie and Noah are together for the stunning finish... or stunning to those 5 year olds out there watching. They take a boat ride with about 1000 swans, literally, but still, do you think they will get together? Back at the dock (after some type of dramatic hurricane rain) in the Oscar scene Allie screams "Why Didn't you write me?" and Noah says "I did! Every Day! For a Year!" And then they love each other (challenging) all night long. The morning comes and it's decision time. Does she choose the love of her life, or the fiancée the audience met 15 minutes ago? Tough. Cruella Mom roars down to wherever they are to help make the choice by giving Allie all the old letters she intercepted and also showing Allie her own old sweetheart (who oddly still works in the lumber mill). Cut back to old lady dementia and story man. She remembers him! The old Allie is back! They dance and then she freaks out, dementia style. Near the end they die in bed, together.

And that's the movie. That's the whole ball of wax.

The best description I can give it is this. Pretend you were watching a movie, and every 90 seconds someone hit you in the head with a mallet. At the end you'd be frustrated, right? They should give classes on this movie, with the semester goal being to FIX every damn scene. At the end you'd have a really nice movie that aspired to be a bit like "Legends of the Fall". This movie should be marketed as the comedy of the summer. It's stunningly bad, but I would actually recommend it because you won't believe it's happening. You'll look around during it in disbelief, audience members will laugh out loud during the dementia scenes, and you'll come out of the whole experience dumber for having watched it, but still it's a must see.

If you have dementia.